Very often when I’m meeting with older parents and their adult children, they will say “If mom becomes unable to care for herself, she’ll just move in with us.” This works differently for different families – sometimes I hear that it is working for everyone, other times I get a call asking for referrals to assisted living facilities because it’s not working out. It’s important to remember that no one has “failed” if sharing living space doesn’t work. These are some of the issues you can think about and discuss to make sure that you are as prepared as possible for the outcome.
1. Do you get along? If you can’t even get through an afternoon visit without tension and disagreements, chances are that living together will not make things easier. If you live with spouse, partner or children, you need to think about whether they all get along with your parent as well.
2. Do you have the space? Is there room for your parent to move in with some of their belongings while not displacing any family members and allowing your parent to have privacy? No one should end up sleeping in the living room.
3. Is your house safe and accessible? Make sure your parent will have, and continue to have as their needs change, access to full bathroom facilities, the ability to get outside and the ability to get to the common areas where family members spend time together. Consider having a contractor review to house and make any needed adjustments like adding grab bars or removing thresholds to make using a walker or wheelchair easier.
4. Are there other family or friends nearby? Consider whether there are other family members who can (and will) come and visit. Will your parent be leaving all of their friends, or can they still get together with the people who are important to them?
5. What community resources are available? Are there activities for your parent to engage in nearby such as a senior center, art classes, yoga, or other things they enjoy? Can they drive there? Is there other transportation available?
6. Does he or she want to move in with you? Even if all other factors point to yes, if you parent would rather live independently with support services or move into an assisted living residence, respect their wishes. Do not try to force anything.
This tips in this post were inspired by “How To Care for Aging Parents” by Virginia Morris.
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