When parents and their adult children are planning for the future, thoughts can often turn to "Mom can come and live with us" or "Joey will go and live with Mom and Dad and help take care of them." The reasons might be financial, or practical, or based on a sense of obligation to care for someone who cared for you. However, the decision for parents and adult children to live together again is not one that should be made lightly, and there are many things to take into consideration.
When meeting with a family who is considering having mom or dad move in with them, I spend a lot of time asking questions, after first identifying who my client is (usually the parent.) Some of the things I have the family think about are:
- What does my client want? It is all well and good if the kids want mom or dad to move in with them, but if the parent wants to stay in their home, and there is a way to accomplish that, then that’s what we do. But, if my client is receptive to thinking about a move, then the family has to consider:
- How are the relationships between the family members? Is anyone resentful of the proposed move?
- What is the financial situation of the parents? of the child’s family?
- What are the physical conditions of the parents, and can the proposed new dwelling accommodate them as is or with modifications? Who will pay for the modifications?
- Will the parents have social activities nearby? Friends? A senior center? How will they get to those places?
- Is the proposed new home big enough for everyone to fit comfortably? What is the cost to expand it? Who will bear this cost?
- If the parents provide for the cost of expansions will they have any ownership in the home?
- What are the ramifications of partial ownership of the home by the parents in terms of public benefits such as Medicaid?
- How much help will the parents need on a day to day basis and who will provide this care?
- What is the back-up plan for care [especially important if a family member will be providing the care. They will need respite and time off to handle their own matters.]?
- Are other children willing to help out with the care giving, either by providing care or financing respite care for the main care giver?
- Will the child be paid by the parents for the care? How much?
- What should the contract for care giving services contain?
- What if the caretaker child wants to move? Or gets divorced? or falls ill themselves?
- What are the tax ramifications for both parties of the different financial arrangements?
Parents and children living together can be a great experience when it’s the right choice for everyone involved. And the more planning and "what-if’ing" that is done beforehand, the more smoothly things will go in the long run.
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